Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Expander Episodes

Let’s see… the boulders on my chest are finished growing or rather I‘m all pumped up. I have learned to find ways to get comfortable despite the bowling balls under my camisole and my scars are starting to look not so gross; at least, I can tolerate looking at them without wincing. I have about 500ccs in each expander which the doctor thinks will be the perfect for a natural looking implant.
Yeah, so I have no idea what size I will be after this process is done. I have research about a million different sources some raunchier than others, but it seems like the cup size is more dependant upon the individual than the implant. I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t soaked in disappointment when I finally built up the courage to open the bra drawer and snapped it up… my very favorite sexy, lace Victoria’s Secret bra did not even come close to fitting. It looked like peas floating in a bowl. Then her words came to haunt me. “The expanders will be bigger than the implant, so you might feel uncomfortable.” Boy was she wrong! I feel completely opposite. You can’t make fake breasts look completely natural so isn’t the saying, “Go big or go home?” If people are going to be able to tell that I have implants, I want to look large, at least fit into my old bras or be obnoxious enough for people to want to bring it up so I can share my story and maybe save a life. Okay, let me honest my intentions aren‘t so benevolent. I had a really hard few weeks after surgery and stayed in bed for about a long month. Granted, I had surgery out of state, so I was laid up in the hotel and was eating every meal out on the town. Part of me loved that the hubster and I got a chance to spend so much time together watching good TV and having our nightly hot chocolates and pizza parties, but my body regrets it! I have put on thirty whopping pounds since my mastectomies. So, I just want my new boobs to stick out farther than my new belly! I just don’t want to have endured so much pain for golf balls, pass me the melon!

Well, what else is new? I texted a picture of my last fill to one of my good friends and was so surprised when she called me all upset asking about my nipples. Haha, I can’t believe I forgot to tell her that I lost them with my breast tissue. It was a delightful and hilarious conversation. Life without nipples is quite odd though. You know how they say people who lose a limb sometimes still feel it around. I don’t have that! I wish I did. I miss those perky pink things. Nippleless breasts seem not very sexy. They are like lady lumps without the lady part. So, it takes so much of the intimacy out of tits. I have no problem whipping them out at family Christmas parties or in the backseat of my truck.

Expanders don’t bounce. This sounds like it would be a great, positive benefit, but when everything else is jiggling it looks a little peculiar when the rocks on your chest look glued on and it‘s not really a pleasant feeling. They are referred to as rocks because they are hard as stone! In some countries, this might be a valuable weapon. I wonder if they are bulletproof? They are also very cold. I don’t know if it’s because we are here in Alaska or if it just the nature of the beast, but I am constantly rubbing trying to warm them up which draws some interesting looks in the supermarket. It’s really cool when I’m pissed at Joshua and lay up against his back when he all snuggled in bed though!

Traveling during this process has been odd to say the least. In the beginning I was still wearing only zip up clothing and everything with a zipper tends to be a sweatshirt. Airport security doesn’t like sweatshirts. It never fails that they first ask me to take it off and I have to politely decline. Then, when I finally get to the damn sensor, it goes off and I get the pleasure of being taken to second base by the butch with badge. I have the little speal about being in the reconstruction process, but they don’t really care. They just wanna get their hands on those rock hard titties. It hasn’t been humiliating though. It was actually funny one day when I was sick of arguing with the guy and just unzipped by shirt unveiling my compression bra and fresh scars.

Overall, I am now at a point where I can say I am glad I have taken this path and continued with the surgeries. This week, I will head back to Seattle to schedule the exchange surgery. I might have to beg for at least one more fill too!

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