Saturday, March 6, 2010

Not feelin' it

Literally... I don't have feeling!  This comes in super handy when I am am tired and Kennady beats me up as she tosses and turns, but I found an unexpected con.  I knew I would not have feeling in the breasts themselves, but I didn't ever think of what not having feeling would be like.  I can't feel pinches, pokes, scratchs, or temperature.  It's not bothersome, but today when I had company drop by they got an eyefull.  My lady lump and snuck out of the tank top and was sunning on the neckline.  I had absolutely no idea that she was out in all her nippleless glory.  It was cold today, so atleast I didn't put out an eye; you'd need nipples for that! They were probably more embarassed than I.  I didn't ask, I simply kept going like it happens all the time.  I wonder what they thought, it's not every day a chick answers her door with her boob hangin' out.  Oh well!

I don't have feeling in my armpits which is also a bit crazy.  It makes shaving complicated because you don't know how hard you are pushing.  Don't want to look like I shaved with a weed wacker!  My armpits don't look normal anymore either.  I didn't really know that this was a part of the surgery.  I am hoping that it won't be that way after the exchange, but I haven't asked.  My armpits are fluffy and wrinkled.  It's hard to explain, they look like they belong to an overweight, elderly man.

The only thing I absolutely HATE about the feeling loss is the back of my left arm all the way to my elbow has nerve damage.  It isn't numb, but I don't really have feeling.  There is a burning sensation when touched.  If I accidentally bump it on something it can send me to tears.  You know that feeling you get after you have been numbed at the dentist and the sensation is just starting to come back.  It sorta tingles, but in not a pleasant way, yeah that's my new norm.

It's really sorta cool to poke around and see where things have been lost and even more fun to let other people explore.  I'm not brave enougth to push it though!  I don't pinch or poke.  I have to be aware of the temperature of things; the water in the shower and the freezing temperatures outside are silent killers. 

Of course I miss being able to feel Joshua close to me or touch me or even feeling my own hand upon my chest, but it doesn't bug me as much as I thought it would.  Again, this lack of sensation just makes my breasts less intimate and more of a decoration.  That's the hard part of it all...

1 comment:

val said...

I just found your blog and have found it very interesting as I am having a bilateral masectomy with expander reconstruction on May 6. My mother tested negative for BRCA (she has had breast cancer as have other family members) My latest and 6th biopsy came back atypical lobular hyperplasia (precancerous). My choices were masectomies or Tamoxifen - I have chosen to get the worry over with and will have the surgery. Nice to read about your experience.