What to do?

Joshua, Joshua, Joshua...

Joshua had volunteered for a year deployment to enable me to complete the prophylactic surgeries and be healed by the time he arrived back home. This would allow me to have access to top notch doctors in Phoenix as opposed to struggling with doctors in Alaska. The other benefit that determined the long deployment was that in Alaska, we wouldn't have people to help out with watching our girls; being in Arizona, I have my brothers and extended family close. Also my mother, a breast cancer survivor, has already been through
similar surgeries and would be an amazing resource for me.

In the way the universe does, it turned on me. Nothing ever works the way I plan! Because of Kennady's milk allergy and her hatred of soy formula, I am still nursing. Because Joshua knows my surgeries will be pushed back, he uncharacteristically wants to be here for me and cut the deployment short (probably making everyone he works with mad!) Because we don't know when I will be done nursing Kennady, we will be heading back to Alaska when Joshua gets home. Because we will be in Alaska, I will have to start this mess all over again!

More than the trouble this causes, I have been internally conflicted. I had already comforted myself knowing that Joshua wasn't going to be here during this intimate time and I like it that way. I love him for wanting to support me, but part of me feels like it is a girly issue and it doesn't concern him. Besides, what kind of support would he be? He brought an X Box to the hospital while I was birthing his daughters! Also, I didn't want him to see me through all the yucky stuff and more importantly the emotional meltdown that will undoubtedly sneak up on me. There isn't any way that he could ever understand. I could always tell him that it would be like giving up his left nut, but really, where would that get me?! I guess this started the day that we found out I had the mutated gene. The clinic called him when they couldn't get ahold of me and invited him to attend the appointment. He also felt it necessary. I guess I just never thought it affected him the way it does. I am so concerned with the superficial. I am always worried about how he could ever be turned on by my patchwork tits. I guess I should really be grateful that he wants to be there and accept that he will love me despite of my fake boobs. I will just have to get over it, but still, a part of me wishes that I could just be 100% when he came back instead of having him see me through the stages of emotional trauma, pain, and breastlessness.