Breastfeeding with no nipples?

Baby Addalie Rhodell has arrived via c-section on 10/11/12.  We are head over heels in love with our fair skinned, blue eyed baby schnitzel.

Being the language barrier can be difficult here in Germany, I can't tell you how many times I just busted out the ladies and put my nippleless foobs out on display.  It was truly the only way I could get them to understand that it's not that I didn't want to nurse, I just didn't have the hardware!  I am not for certain, but I think they finally posted a sign on my door stating that I have no nipples. Haha.  I wonder what passerbys thought?

After the delivery, I had the same sort of pains in my arm pits as I had when I first found out I was pregnant.  It went away after a few days, it was just achey and swollen.  The biggest difference I had delivering after mastectomies was that my uterus didn't contract as quickly because of the inability to nurse and the lack of stimulation to produce oxytocin that aids in contracting.  At my 12 week post partum appointment, I still had swelling and they deduced that it had to do with the hormones because of the mastectomies.  In addition, I am having a harder time losing the weight.  My doctor attributed only part of this to whacked out hormones though, the other part over indulgence....

So the next step is having my ovaries removed.  I am done having babies, so I am ready for this step.  I go in for an ovarian ultrasound next week and had my CA-125 tested at my check up.  I was put on an oral birth control for the first time, although it is linked to breast cancer, it significantly reduces the chances of ovarian cancer.  In addition, it regulates my cycles making it easier for my doctors to watch and track.  Because I have scant amounts of breast tissue the risk here is out weighed by the benefits.

Joshua is slotted to deploy again, so I will not be attempting a surgery until he is back and home safe.  This will mean I am to do preventative imaging and testing every six months; bothersome, but I'm good with it.  The care here isn't far from that I receive in America and they are all supportive of prophylactic mastectomies and oophorectomies.

Because of the breast cancer history, I will not be able to take hormone replacement therapy after having the lady bits removed.  My doctor has advised me that it is harder to lose weight after the surgery so I am now in the process of losing this baby weight that has enveloped my body.  She also warned me of a long list of not so wonderful side effects that I will be able to devote a whole blog post to... YIKES!

PICTURES

I have posted pictures of my process in the pictures tab at the top of the page in the pink menu.  Feel free to have a look see and ask what ever questions you may have!  Recently I have gotten a few comments and questions requesting pictures; so I guess they aren't so easy to find.

Pregnant!

My oh my!  I have gotten myself pregnant...

Joshua is beyond ecstatic.  He found out on Valentines Day after following a bunch of random clues leading around the house to different, cheesy gifts, but the last one was a set of binkies and he was a bit confused.  When he put two and two together he was filled with joy.  I am due October 24th and things are growing great.

Typically, breasts enlarge and become tender for a pregnant lady, one with boobs at least.  I did experience a few odd symptoms during the first few weeks of pregnancy.  My chest ached and my arm pits swelled up.  I attempted to google research these symptoms, but found that there haven't been very many women that have blogged or posted about their pregnancies after PBM.  I was fairly concerned and placed a call to the doc.  She was a bit baffled too, but attributed the pain and soreness to residual breast tissue and/or the increased hormone levels.  The pain subsided after a week or so and I have no had any other breast symptoms since.  I will miss having those enormous, bulging pregnancy boobies.

We have successfully transferred our home to Germany.  I am being seen at a German hospital and sometimes the language barrier is comical; like explaining my BRCA status and lack of nipples.  Just imagine me tweaking imaginary headlights and shaking my head a lot.  I think I have communicated my inability to breast feed, but I was scheduled an appointment with a lactation nurse so maybe I am mistaken.  She might be in for a surprise when she goes to check the to see if the pieces are all working...

I have met a few people here in Germany and surprisingly it was easy to talk about my surgeries with people I had never met.  I had such apprehension thinking that I would never be able to explain, but it's crazy how things work out and get brought up in conversations.

WHAT?!

Crazy as this sounds, I have been kicking around this internal dialogue for a while now... When and how is the right time time bring up the boob stuff?  I mean should I just keep it a secret, should I only let certain people know, or should I post a blog about it...  My breasts or whatever you want to call them do not define me, but they are me, and the process has created this me.

The military has decided to dislocate the Dickey family, foobs and all across the globe to Germany.  This means having to forge new relationships with common nipple bearing folks and maybe even the topless, European sorts.  I know it's weird that I am even taking the time to consider how or when or even what to tell these new people.  The hubs thinks it's best to keep it bound in a bra because it's no one's business, but I don't know if that's the right call for me.  I haven't been saving up the cash to print handouts or make tee-shirts, but I think once I feel comfortable, I will want to share my jug journey.  I just haven't come across an opportunity to share my story with someone I didn't already know and don't really know how or even if I should fondle the topic.

Hi, I'm Tara Dickey and I have no nipples...  That's an icebreaker for the books dick and boobs all in one!

Augmentation v. Reconstruction

I really have to get something off my chest, figuratively this time!  Recently, I have had an influx of girlfriends that have opted for breast augmentation.  I am completely supportive of their decision and realize that it is something that is necessary for them and frankly, I could care less what they chose to do with their bodies.  And, I totally love seeing them transform through the process getting to that point where they feel a renewed sexiness.  It's amazing how such a simple change in size or shape can unveil a vixen of confidence.

But, this is where I fall flat on my face; I can't help feeling jealous.  Your new equipment gave you sultry confidence, while I wrap the towel around me before I exit the shower.  You go braless in daring shirts, while I am constantly checking to see if my implant wrinkles are exposed.  You are empowered between the sheets, while I am hiding under a sweatshirt. You desire the feeling of your man's hand up your shirt, while I have no feeling at all.  You love the new role breasts play during sex, while mine are left untouched.  With a smile and my tongue pressed between my teeth I will engage you, but girl it's painful.

Salt in my wounds when anyone compares their breast enhancement surgery to what I went through.  Be it the recovery, the event, the scars, the surgery, the emotional distress, IT'S ALL DIFFERENT!  Let me be clear,

YES, I HAVE IMPLANTS, NO I DID NOT HAVE A BOOB JOB.

If ya wanna see the things bolted to my chest that barely resemble a tit, I'll show ya.  You might get confused because where you have a nice little fleshy pink nipple I have a red scar, but I assure you they are my hot, new boobs just like yours right?

Barely Boobs and Baby Bumps

So Joshua was exposed that ever contagious baby fever!  I don't know what it is, but he caught that bug and I can't seem to cure him of it.  He's hunched over the porcelain pot and begging for a remedy.  Not that I am fervently opposed to the idea of reproducing yet again, but I truly am satisfied with being a mom of two.  Isn't that perfectly average anyways?  

These surgeries have really taken a toll and I am still sweating my ass off trying to rid the extra thirty plus lbs my butt collected since my mastectomies.  I know that is a silly and selfish reason, but you know what? IT IS MY REASON!  I have been over 200 whoppers with each one of my pregnancies starting around 135 each time.  Okay, I'll be honest, with Kennady I tipped the scales at 220.  Yeah, no need to do the math to see I was a big girl and put on a lot of weight!  Anyhow, I had always been able to get the weight off fairly easily, but since surgery I've been losing the battle.  I have been eating clean, riding my bike almost everyday, and hitting the gym four times a week.  Even with this major lifestyle change, the scale hasn't even tickled a comfortable number on the scale.  I have read some case studies about mastectomies, hormones, and weight gain; not that that's my excuse or anything!  Imagine if I put on 80 plus lbs starting at 150...  UGH bad mental picture.

The other thing, I want to breast feed!  Yeah, it's impossible with no breast tissue and even more impossible with no nipples!  I am controlling and don't want Joshua to be able to nourish our child like I have done so in the past.  I am the mom and it's my job.  Haha, I know putting that in words sounds so silly, but it's true.  Oh well.

I am also wondering the affect pregnancy will have on my surgeries.  I have been trying to do a little research, but can't really find anything.  I saw that they put Christina Applegate in a high risk category, but it might have been for other reasons.  Will they sag?  How will they take to the weight gain?  What will I tell the lactation nurse when she comes in?!  haha.

Lastly, I just want nipples and to be done with this whole surgery process.  I really never understood that it took so much time and so much out of you.  I just want to toss this part of my life out the window and watch it shrink in the rear view. 

If only there were some way to compromise a child... huh, half a child?  the left or the right? bottom or top? 

Sounds like I am totally convinced I don't want another, but after self evaluating...

Foobs and Foreplay

Really is there such a thing as foobs and foreplay?  I have no feeling and frankly I think Joshua is freaked out by the idea of touching them.  It's not the way they look, I think that he is afraid he will hurt me or something.  Also, he saw them in all their colorful bruised and bleeding glory throughout the process, how can that be sexy?!  I am sure he has PTSD recalling all the stitching and those damn drains!  I am so far detached from the bubbles on my chest that if he ever did touch them, despite me having no idea if he was, I don't think it would do anything for me anyways.  But, this lack of foobplay leaves a void where there there wasn't there before.  I haven't fully come to love my new look, but I am not disgusted by it either.  I think it will just take some time... and maybe some nipples.

Revisions and Exchange

The revision surgery and new implant exchange went well.  It was determined that I have ultra thin skin.  This at least gives me a good explanation for the incurable dark circles that frame my eyes and the watermelon stretchmarks that have invaded my tummy.  This thin skin thing is a bit bothersome to me because I am worried about my mega large 800cc implants being to heavy for my skin to support them, I do have Alloderm, the cadaver skin that acts as a support system, but I'm still nervous.  We will see how they end up, or down I guess!  I did get larger implants to help fill up the space and even out the shape of my breasts.  They sound obscene, but really don't feel or look all that large; not the porno boob look I may have once imagined.  A few internal stitches were made to help hold the implants in the proper place.  I really like my new cleavage!  The surgery itself was much easier than any of the others.  I was out and walking the Seattle streets just a few days later and being only three weeks out, I am feeling ready to battle the gym and get rid of some of that extra weight I've been storing!  I am going to start very slowly though.  Joshua has started his journey to Afghanistan and I am determined to use this year to get back into shape and find peace with my new body. 

Because my skin is so thin and Joshua is away, the surgeon thinks it best to wait a while for nipple reconstruction.  This is completely fine with me; I am beginning to like my Barbie boobs!  It's nice not to have to worry about nipples poking out or pointing the way.  Besides, I found this really cool place that actually sells rub on nipple tattoos...  do I smell a stocking stuffer?!  That's about the breast I can do for now.  Nothing to exciting to report or surgeries pending for now.

Implant Imperfections

UGH... I went in to my appointment for nipple consultation knowing I was probably going to need a small revision with the implants I have, but learned that I am going to need to swap out the ones I have for slightly larger ones.  Reason being, these implants I have now are wrinkling.  I have faith in my plastic surgeon and know she wants to have great results and she said, "I can do better."  So, I am swapping out the 700cc implants for either 750cc or 800cc.  I am only nervous because the largest they make is 800!  I hope they don't get too heavy and sag down to my belly button.  I don't know why I started out with a negative because I am grateful to have a doctor that wants me to have the best results and I am sure she will produce beautiful work. 

This surgery will be October 21st.  That backs us up right against Joshua's deployment.  I have decided to forgo the Alaskan winter and hide out in sunny Arizona while the husband is out doing his job.  A sunburn is so much more pleasant than frostbite.  After my surgery and downtime, I will migrate south without coming back to the Last Frontier.  My heart is heavy and sad because I do love Alaska, but it's better for us all to be with family while Joshua is away. 

Because I will be bouncing the new, larger implants, I will not be getting nipples until these settle into place.  That way I'm not pointing in two different directions!  It is funny that I am nervous about going bigger.  I dare go back and hide behind my previous posts about porno boobs and being so worried about having tiny titties!  I am quite pleased with the how things are turning out.  I just never imagined it would be a year later and still working on getting things done.  No wham bam thank you mam here!

People that don't get it...

I never really understood how long this process was going to take, but I knew I wasn't going to walk in and walk out a perfect person.  When my path crosses someone that isn't normally on my trail I seem to have tripped up on the same set of questions that are beginning to cause a blister.

I thought you already got your boobs done.  Why do you need more surgery?
Hello!  It's not a one stop shop or a drive through; your way right away or something.  It takes time to heal and recreate the breast.  The doctor has to actually sculpt a mound not just enhance what I already had.  They start with a clean slate, a flat board.

Why is it taking so long for you to recover?  My friend got implants and was fine after a few weeks.
Yeah, getting implants and having your breasts REMOVED and then RECONSTRUCTED totally different!  Not at all the same.  My breast tissues were removed, yes, removed; cut off.  In addition, I have a bit of nerve damage that causes a little bit of pain and I still have restriction in my arms and shoulders.  Actually I have small doses of pain everyday, nothing unmanageable.

You don't have nipples?!
Okay, I'm totally lying.  I love it when people find out I don't have any.  It's such a weird concept for them to grasp and watching their face twist with discomfort as they try to imagine what nippleless breasts look like is awesome.

I guess those are the ones that irritate me the most.  Like getting shampoo in your eye; it stings a little, but in the end you are happy to have clean hair.  I like to have the chance to help people understand that it I didn't just get breast augmentation.  I didn't just get implants.  I didn't just want bigger boobs (because these are much smaller).  I did this for my health.  I did this for my family.  I did this for my daughters.  I did this for myself.