The Breasts on my Chest

WHAT?!

2011-12-13T23:34:00.000-08:00

Crazy as this sounds, I have been kicking around this internal dialogue for a while now... When and how is the right time time bring up the boob stuff? I mean should I just keep it a secret, should I only let certain people know, or should I post a blog about it... My breasts or whatever you want to call them do not define me, but they are me, and the process has created this me.

The military has decided to dislocate the Dickey family, foobs and all across the globe to Germany. This means having to forge new relationships with common nipple bearing folks and maybe even the topless, European sorts. I know it's weird that I am even taking the time to consider how or when or even what to tell these new people. The hubs thinks it's best to keep it bound in a bra because it's no one's business, but I don't know if that's the right call for me. I haven't been saving up the cash to print handouts or make tee-shirts, but I think once I feel comfortable, I will want to share my jug journey. I just haven't come across an opportunity to share my story with someone I didn't already know and don't really know how or even if I should fondle the topic.

Hi, I'm Tara Dickey and I have no nipples... That's an icebreaker for the books dick and boobs all in one!

Augmentation v. Reconstruction

2011-06-25T23:13:00.000-07:00

I really have to get something off my chest, figuratively this time! Recently, I have had an influx of girlfriends that have opted for breast augmentation. I am completely supportive of their decision and realize that it is something that is necessary for them and frankly, I could care less what they chose to do with their bodies. And, I totally love seeing them transform through the process getting to that point where they feel a renewed sexiness. It's amazing how such a simple change in size or shape can unveil a vixen of confidence.

But, this is where I fall flat on my face; I can't help feeling jealous. Your new equipment gave you sultry confidence, while I wrap the towel around me before I exit the shower. You go braless in daring shirts, while I am constantly checking to see if my implant wrinkles are exposed. You are empowered between the sheets, while I am hiding under a sweatshirt. You desire the feeling of your man's hand up your shirt, while I have no feeling at all. You love the new role breasts play during sex, while mine are left untouched. With a smile and my tongue pressed between my teeth I will engage you, but girl it's painful.

Salt in my wounds when anyone compares their breast enhancement surgery to what I went through. Be it the recovery, the event, the scars, the surgery, the emotional distress, IT'S ALL DIFFERENT! Let me be clear,

YES, I HAVE IMPLANTS, NO I DID NOT HAVE A BOOB JOB.

If ya wanna see the things bolted to my chest that barely resemble a tit, I'll show ya. You might get confused because where you have a nice little fleshy pink nipple I have a red scar, but I assure you they are my hot, new boobs just like yours right?

Barely Boobs and Baby Bumps

2011-04-21T22:58:00.000-07:00

So Joshua was exposed that ever contagious baby fever! I don't know what it is, but he caught that bug and I can't seem to cure him of it. He's hunched over the porcelain pot and begging for a remedy. Not that I am fervently opposed to the idea of reproducing yet again, but I truly am satisfied with being a mom of two. Isn't that perfectly average anyways?

These surgeries have really taken a toll and I am still sweating my ass off trying to rid the extra thirty plus lbs my butt collected since my mastectomies. I know that is a silly and selfish reason, but you know what? IT IS MY REASON! I have been over 200 whoppers with each one of my pregnancies starting around 135 each time. Okay, I'll be honest, with Kennady I tipped the scales at 220. Yeah, no need to do the math to see I was a big girl and put on a lot of weight! Anyhow, I had always been able to get the weight off fairly easily, but since surgery I've been losing the battle. I have been eating clean, riding my bike almost everyday, and hitting the gym four times a week. Even with this major lifestyle change, the scale hasn't even tickled a comfortable number on the scale. I have read some case studies about mastectomies, hormones, and weight gain; not that that's my excuse or anything! Imagine if I put on 80 plus lbs starting at 150... UGH bad mental picture.

The other thing, I want to breast feed! Yeah, it's impossible with no breast tissue and even more impossible with no nipples! I am controlling and don't want Joshua to be able to nourish our child like I have done so in the past. I am the mom and it's my job. Haha, I know putting that in words sounds so silly, but it's true. Oh well.

I am also wondering the affect pregnancy will have on my surgeries. I have been trying to do a little research, but can't really find anything. I saw that they put Christina Applegate in a high risk category, but it might have been for other reasons. Will they sag? How will they take to the weight gain? What will I tell the lactation nurse when she comes in?! haha.

Lastly, I just want nipples and to be done with this whole surgery process. I really never understood that it took so much time and so much out of you. I just want to toss this part of my life out the window and watch it shrink in the rear view.

If only there were some way to compromise a child... huh, half a child? the left or the right? bottom or top?

Sounds like I am totally convinced I don't want another, but after self evaluating...

Foobs and Foreplay

2011-02-24T20:55:00.000-08:00

Really is there such a thing as foobs and foreplay? I have no feeling and frankly I think Joshua is freaked out by the idea of touching them. It's not the way they look, I think that he is afraid he will hurt me or something. Also, he saw them in all their colorful bruised and bleeding glory throughout the process, how can that be sexy?! I am sure he has PTSD recalling all the stitching and those damn drains! I am so far detached from the bubbles on my chest that if he ever did touch them, despite me having no idea if he was, I don't think it would do anything for me anyways. But, this lack of foobplay leaves a void where there there wasn't there before. I haven't fully come to love my new look, but I am not disgusted by it either. I think it will just take some time... and maybe some nipples.

Revisions and Exchange

2010-11-21T21:12:00.000-08:00

The revision surgery and new implant exchange went well. It was determined that I have ultra thin skin. This at least gives me a good explanation for the incurable dark circles that frame my eyes and the watermelon stretchmarks that have invaded my tummy. This thin skin thing is a bit bothersome to me because I am worried about my mega large 800cc implants being to heavy for my skin to support them, I do have Alloderm, the cadaver skin that acts as a support system, but I'm still nervous. We will see how they end up, or down I guess! I did get larger implants to help fill up the space and even out the shape of my breasts. They sound obscene, but really don't feel or look all that large; not the porno boob look I may have once imagined. A few internal stitches were made to help hold the implants in the proper place. I really like my new cleavage! The surgery itself was much easier than any of the others. I was out and walking the Seattle streets just a few days later and being only three weeks out, I am feeling ready to battle the gym and get rid of some of that extra weight I've been storing! I am going to start very slowly though. Joshua has started his journey to Afghanistan and I am determined to use this year to get back into shape and find peace with my new body.

Because my skin is so thin and Joshua is away, the surgeon thinks it best to wait a while for nipple reconstruction. This is completely fine with me; I am beginning to like my Barbie boobs! It's nice not to have to worry about nipples poking out or pointing the way. Besides, I found this really cool place that actually sells rub on nipple tattoos... do I smell a stocking stuffer?! That's about the breast I can do for now. Nothing to exciting to report or surgeries pending for now.

Implant Imperfections

2010-09-20T00:20:00.000-07:00

UGH... I went in to my appointment for nipple consultation knowing I was probably going to need a small revision with the implants I have, but learned that I am going to need to swap out the ones I have for slightly larger ones. Reason being, these implants I have now are wrinkling. I have faith in my plastic surgeon and know she wants to have great results and she said, "I can do better." So, I am swapping out the 700cc implants for either 750cc or 800cc. I am only nervous because the largest they make is 800! I hope they don't get too heavy and sag down to my belly button. I don't know why I started out with a negative because I am grateful to have a doctor that wants me to have the best results and I am sure she will produce beautiful work.

This surgery will be October 21st. That backs us up right against Joshua's deployment. I have decided to forgo the Alaskan winter and hide out in sunny Arizona while the husband is out doing his job. A sunburn is so much more pleasant than frostbite. After my surgery and downtime, I will migrate south without coming back to the Last Frontier. My heart is heavy and sad because I do love Alaska, but it's better for us all to be with family while Joshua is away.

Because I will be bouncing the new, larger implants, I will not be getting nipples until these settle into place. That way I'm not pointing in two different directions! It is funny that I am nervous about going bigger. I dare go back and hide behind my previous posts about porno boobs and being so worried about having tiny titties! I am quite pleased with the how things are turning out. I just never imagined it would be a year later and still working on getting things done. No wham bam thank you mam here!

People that don't get it...

2010-08-21T01:29:00.000-07:00

I never really understood how long this process was going to take, but I knew I wasn't going to walk in and walk out a perfect person. When my path crosses someone that isn't normally on my trail I seem to have tripped up on the same set of questions that are beginning to cause a blister.

I thought you already got your boobs done. Why do you need more surgery?
Hello! It's not a one stop shop or a drive through; your way right away or something. It takes time to heal and recreate the breast. The doctor has to actually sculpt a mound not just enhance what I already had. They start with a clean slate, a flat board.

Why is it taking so long for you to recover? My friend got implants and was fine after a few weeks.
Yeah, getting implants and having your breasts REMOVED and then RECONSTRUCTED totally different! Not at all the same. My breast tissues were removed, yes, removed; cut off. In addition, I have a bit of nerve damage that causes a little bit of pain and I still have restriction in my arms and shoulders. Actually I have small doses of pain everyday, nothing unmanageable.

You don't have nipples?!
Okay, I'm totally lying. I love it when people find out I don't have any. It's such a weird concept for them to grasp and watching their face twist with discomfort as they try to imagine what nippleless breasts look like is awesome.

I guess those are the ones that irritate me the most. Like getting shampoo in your eye; it stings a little, but in the end you are happy to have clean hair. I like to have the chance to help people understand that it I didn't just get breast augmentation. I didn't just get implants. I didn't just want bigger boobs (because these are much smaller). I did this for my health. I did this for my family. I did this for my daughters. I did this for myself.

Waiting for the droop...

2010-08-21T01:07:00.000-07:00

So it has been a little while and I am slowly getting used to the cold packs on my chest. I guess I'll get right down to the bosoms of the blog. One of the implants has fallen or shifted out of place. It's not really noticeable unless you are a breast expert or just an avid boob watcher, but my surgeon noticed right away. It doesn't really bug me that they aren't at the same height because it is easily remedied with a bra, but the cave on my chest drives me bonkers. It is really easy to see that something used to be there and has migrated southward.

Because this implant has a mind of its own, my plastic surgeon has decided that I need a revision. I guess it will be as simple as poppin' the implant out, placing a few stitches, and then replacing the implant in the newly formed pocket. Sounds easy, I guess... She is thinking that she may be able to do a revision and create nipples at the same time. That way I am limiting the number of times I am put under anesthesia. I am just waiting a few more weeks to see if the other will droop as well. We are truly hoping this works out for the best. Also, to throw everything off Joshua is fixin' to deploy for a year to the lovely lands of Afghanistan. Oh yay. We are shooting for an October surgery so that he will be able to be here and help with the girls. Anyways, back to the boobs...

I usually wear a sports bra and could sing the praises of the Under Armor sports bra all day long. Joshua brought me one home as a surprise, (yeah I know, some chicks get flowers and chocolates, but there's nothing more close to my heart than damn good support and my man knows it!) and I find it absolutely perfect. I regret double baggin' the double D's before all this and wish I had spent the half a hundy on one of these crafty contraptions. It might have saved a few black eyes and possibly a life! I know that at this point I am able to go commando or well, the female version of that, but my chest feels weird and almost feels like I am always wearing a bra that tight feeling. And, at night, it if I don't wear a bra I am battling those boobs to get comfortable without causing pain.

I still don't have any feeling in the region, but notice every once in a while I get a strange sensation and can't place where it's coming from or what causes it. Like an inside itch that you can't get to under the implant. It drives me absolutely batty, but I guess I like to feel something. My scars are healing nicely and aren't as I had imagined. I had pictured these gruesome, raised dark red lines that mark where I've been pieced back together, but they actually are a pleasant shade of pink and are flush with my skin. Overall, I'm pretty happy. Of course, I have to remind my self every once in a while that this was the right decision.

Missin' the Nips

2010-07-08T21:03:00.000-07:00

Recently, I had an amazing and enlightening conversation with a girl friend about fetishes. Weird, I know, but it was certainly entertaining. She told me that there is literally a fetish for everything. I'll let you make your own assumptions and mental landscapes. So anyhow, I decided to see if there was nippleless porn. Haha, much to my disappointment, no on has a fetish for breasts without nipples. Sheesh... maybe I'll start a new fad.

Being without nipples is quite odd really. It's like there is an unfinished masterpiece under my tee shirt. But, nipples don't really make the breast, I guess. You don't hear people fantasizing about the nipples!

Having no nipples may be a super cool ice breaker!

I actually will be meeting back with the plastic surgeon next week to determine when I shall be blessed with the little guys or girls or whatever! I know there are a few different options and initially I had wanted to do tattooing, but many things have changed throughout the course of the reconstruction. I'll keep ya posted on what stickers I choose to put on my foobies.

Implants...

2010-07-08T20:53:00.000-07:00

Wow, it's been too long! I'd love to say that I have been neglecting my writing responsibilities because playing with the new fun bags have been consuming my time, but that's far from the case. In fact, I was wanting to wait until I was satisfied with my boobs before I posted, but that too is out of reach. I guess I'll let ya cop a feel from the beginning.

The surgery was pretty easy actually. Nothing in comparison to having them breasts sliced off. I went into the surgery not really knowing what size I was going to wake up with. Not such an easy feeling falling asleep unsure if you will wake with cherries or grapefruits! Anyhow, I was implanted with 700cc silicone breasts. That sounds huge, but you have to remember that they had already removed all the breast tissue. They seem pretty small to me, but I am getting used to being able to wear tank tops and low cut shirts braless. For the first few weeks I had to keep them on lockdown with sports bras, but recently the swelling has decreased and I have been able to free foob it.

Now the gripes...

1. They are always cold. On a hot day this might be nice, but I live in Alaska...
2. They feel like implants. Anyone that says implants feel real, never had breasts to know what they feel like. When ya push one side, the other side grows. They bounce in unison and are uncomfortable to sleep on. They are called implants because they are just that. They are implanted in your body and don't belong there.
3. They have no projection. Granted, I knew this was gonna be the case, but I sorta hoped I'd be the exception. Because I had no breast tissue to project, it just looks like a skin covered implant hanging out on my chest.

Oh, I guess I should stop complaining! On the upside, if I were to try for my Jerry beads, they wouldn't have to sensor anything! Haha, I need to lay off the Springer, it's like a drug. No, don't get me wrong, I am not second guessing my decision at all. Just sometimes I am disappointed that things weren't as glamorous as I thought they might be. My visions on porno boobs up to my chin are in my rear view at this point.

Exchange Rate?!

2010-04-18T22:46:00.000-07:00

I am due to have the exchange surgery on April 27th early in the morning. Not so much a perky morning person, but hopefully I'll arise from the anesthesia being a perky breast person! I am pretty excited to see how my new boobies will look and feel. I am not really nervous about this surgery because everyone says that it should be a walk in the park. Let's hope so because I fell head first into the swamp after the mastectomies. Sorta looking forward to roaming the streets of Seattle in my pain killer induced high. Haha, I'd probably fit in better in that crazy city anyhow.

For those of you that aren't up to speed, my expanders are to be removed and replaced with silicone speed bumps! I don't exactly know the size as of yet, (was hoping for Heidi Montag profile, haha) but will be able to play around with a few implants before the surgery at the pre-op appointment. Of course, they arent' going to be big and exciting as basketballs, but thanks to a great friend, (insert shout out to Anna) I am looking forward to having smaller tits. I spend hours trying on all the great things that I couldn't wear with my gigantic, pre operation boobs, well atleast without looking like you owe me some money for the show! I have found strapless shirts, backless shirts, low cut V-necks and halter tops! I am so excited to be able to rock my itty bitty titties in hot clothes. Nothing really exciting besides that! I am a bit bummed that most of my tops and dresses don't fit me anymore though... some big busted beauty will totally score at the Salvation Army and I guess I get to buy some new clothes.

I am looking forward to having the expanders removed even though I have grown quite fond of them recently. I truly love the way they grate across my ribs and stretch my skin. Can't sense the sarcasm? I guess I better focus on something more productive like packing for my trip, but I'll let y'all know how the surgery goes soon!

Not feelin' it

2010-03-06T23:02:00.000-08:00

Literally... I don't have feeling! This comes in super handy when I am am tired and Kennady beats me up as she tosses and turns, but I found an unexpected con. I knew I would not have feeling in the breasts themselves, but I didn't ever think of what not having feeling would be like. I can't feel pinches, pokes, scratchs, or temperature. It's not bothersome, but today when I had company drop by they got an eyefull. My lady lump and snuck out of the tank top and was sunning on the neckline. I had absolutely no idea that she was out in all her nippleless glory. It was cold today, so atleast I didn't put out an eye; you'd need nipples for that! They were probably more embarassed than I. I didn't ask, I simply kept going like it happens all the time. I wonder what they thought, it's not every day a chick answers her door with her boob hangin' out. Oh well!

I don't have feeling in my armpits which is also a bit crazy. It makes shaving complicated because you don't know how hard you are pushing. Don't want to look like I shaved with a weed wacker! My armpits don't look normal anymore either. I didn't really know that this was a part of the surgery. I am hoping that it won't be that way after the exchange, but I haven't asked. My armpits are fluffy and wrinkled. It's hard to explain, they look like they belong to an overweight, elderly man.

The only thing I absolutely HATE about the feeling loss is the back of my left arm all the way to my elbow has nerve damage. It isn't numb, but I don't really have feeling. There is a burning sensation when touched. If I accidentally bump it on something it can send me to tears. You know that feeling you get after you have been numbed at the dentist and the sensation is just starting to come back. It sorta tingles, but in not a pleasant way, yeah that's my new norm.

It's really sorta cool to poke around and see where things have been lost and even more fun to let other people explore. I'm not brave enougth to push it though! I don't pinch or poke. I have to be aware of the temperature of things; the water in the shower and the freezing temperatures outside are silent killers.

Of course I miss being able to feel Joshua close to me or touch me or even feeling my own hand upon my chest, but it doesn't bug me as much as I thought it would. Again, this lack of sensation just makes my breasts less intimate and more of a decoration. That's the hard part of it all...

Expander Episodes

2010-02-17T00:03:00.000-08:00

Let’s see… the boulders on my chest are finished growing or rather I‘m all pumped up. I have learned to find ways to get comfortable despite the bowling balls under my camisole and my scars are starting to look not so gross; at least, I can tolerate looking at them without wincing. I have about 500ccs in each expander which the doctor thinks will be the perfect for a natural looking implant.
Yeah, so I have no idea what size I will be after this process is done. I have research about a million different sources some raunchier than others, but it seems like the cup size is more dependant upon the individual than the implant. I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t soaked in disappointment when I finally built up the courage to open the bra drawer and snapped it up… my very favorite sexy, lace Victoria’s Secret bra did not even come close to fitting. It looked like peas floating in a bowl. Then her words came to haunt me. “The expanders will be bigger than the implant, so you might feel uncomfortable.” Boy was she wrong! I feel completely opposite. You can’t make fake breasts look completely natural so isn’t the saying, “Go big or go home?” If people are going to be able to tell that I have implants, I want to look large, at least fit into my old bras or be obnoxious enough for people to want to bring it up so I can share my story and maybe save a life. Okay, let me honest my intentions aren‘t so benevolent. I had a really hard few weeks after surgery and stayed in bed for about a long month. Granted, I had surgery out of state, so I was laid up in the hotel and was eating every meal out on the town. Part of me loved that the hubster and I got a chance to spend so much time together watching good TV and having our nightly hot chocolates and pizza parties, but my body regrets it! I have put on thirty whopping pounds since my mastectomies. So, I just want my new boobs to stick out farther than my new belly! I just don’t want to have endured so much pain for golf balls, pass me the melon!

Well, what else is new? I texted a picture of my last fill to one of my good friends and was so surprised when she called me all upset asking about my nipples. Haha, I can’t believe I forgot to tell her that I lost them with my breast tissue. It was a delightful and hilarious conversation. Life without nipples is quite odd though. You know how they say people who lose a limb sometimes still feel it around. I don’t have that! I wish I did. I miss those perky pink things. Nippleless breasts seem not very sexy. They are like lady lumps without the lady part. So, it takes so much of the intimacy out of tits. I have no problem whipping them out at family Christmas parties or in the backseat of my truck.

Expanders don’t bounce. This sounds like it would be a great, positive benefit, but when everything else is jiggling it looks a little peculiar when the rocks on your chest look glued on and it‘s not really a pleasant feeling. They are referred to as rocks because they are hard as stone! In some countries, this might be a valuable weapon. I wonder if they are bulletproof? They are also very cold. I don’t know if it’s because we are here in Alaska or if it just the nature of the beast, but I am constantly rubbing trying to warm them up which draws some interesting looks in the supermarket. It’s really cool when I’m pissed at Joshua and lay up against his back when he all snuggled in bed though!

Traveling during this process has been odd to say the least. In the beginning I was still wearing only zip up clothing and everything with a zipper tends to be a sweatshirt. Airport security doesn’t like sweatshirts. It never fails that they first ask me to take it off and I have to politely decline. Then, when I finally get to the damn sensor, it goes off and I get the pleasure of being taken to second base by the butch with badge. I have the little speal about being in the reconstruction process, but they don’t really care. They just wanna get their hands on those rock hard titties. It hasn’t been humiliating though. It was actually funny one day when I was sick of arguing with the guy and just unzipped by shirt unveiling my compression bra and fresh scars.

Overall, I am now at a point where I can say I am glad I have taken this path and continued with the surgeries. This week, I will head back to Seattle to schedule the exchange surgery. I might have to beg for at least one more fill too!

EXPANSION

2009-11-28T00:59:00.000-08:00

So I have had my second fill and am surprisingly impressed with my little boobs. They are hard as rocks and super uncomfortable, but I think they are pretty cute. Never would I have thought that I could be content with a mere handful. I am having a bit of problems with finding clothes that fit though. I am getting expanded 100ccs every week. I don't know what is normal, but from what I have found, this is pretty rapid. The process isn't too unbearable, but the persistent pressure and tightness can feel like your chest is collapsing in on itself making breathing quite a chore. I have not regained a normal range of motion and lifting anything heavier than a few pounds is impossible. My back is sore and my posture is terrible. Sleeping is also a nail in my side. I had heard that the expansion process was hard, but like everything leading up to this, I overestimated my tolerance for pain and underestimated how this procedure would affect every aspect of my life.

It is crazy though, I don't feel like my breasts are at all intimate or private. I am so used to people talking about them and doctors poking and squeezing them that I have become immune to indecency. I am always more than willing to let a curious comrade sneak a peek or cop a feel. I was sitting in the office awaiting saline torture, when I struck up a conversation with another patient lamenting in the lobby. I don't know how it got to this point, but before I knew it, my eyes were shut tight and we were giggling as she was exploring my breast with her cold hands searching for any sensation. Who'd have thought?! But like I said, they aren't me. I even catch myself walking in the mall with a boob in each palm.

Well, travel hasn't been easy being on drugs either. I am not fully alert and sorta just float through things. I fly out every Sunday and come home every Tuesday. My body tenses up as I pass through security and the lady asks me to remove my zip up jacket. Politely I decline and then fear the beeping wand. As it hovers above my bumps, I have to explain that I have expanders. I haven't had any problems yet, but I do keep the worst luck in my back pocket. I get really stiff from sitting so still and have to take my muscle relaxers with each flight.

Not too much else is exciting. I have been photo documenting the process, but want to have a more complete set before I post them. I am totally not shy about sharing! Just ask the ladies at that TaTa party... I left my computer hooked up to the TV and as the screen saver came on, I realized the girls got pretty quiet and a few even turned colors. I looked up to find a picture of my own breasts bouncing around the 56" set. Ironically, they were about life sized!

I'll keep ya ABREAST of any changes!

DRAINS

2009-11-12T18:13:00.000-08:00

Drains are a pain in my ass. They are uncomfortable and really just gross! Each of my armpits house a tube that is about three feet long with a little ball on the end of it. The first hassle is trying to figure out how to keep your drains under your shirt without dragging your sac of sickness on the ground. I have managed to rig up a necklace holder. This helps keep them up, but you can't really conceal the bulge under your shirt. That reminds me, because you can't lift your arms I have to wear only zip up shirts. This is something that I hadn't been prepared for. I parade around in a robe most of the time. Alright, back to the drains, you need to strip them several times a day because they get clogged with junk. I don't want to elaborate because I don't want to think about what the chunks may be. Another way that I have found to keep my drains up is to just pin them inside the shirt that I am wearing. You just have to make sure that they are up high enough as not to peek a boo out from the bottom of your shirt. I am hoping to have my drains removed tomorrow and will not be the least be sad to see them go.

SURGERY!

2009-11-12T17:54:00.000-08:00

So the first part of the surgery is over. If you didn’t notice, it has been sixteen days since my surgery. I chose not to write about until now because I was lost in pain! Seriously, I had no warning of how painful things would be afterward. During the first few days, I was so overtaken with pain it was hard to through the haze at the greater picture. For just a few minutes, I was asphyxiated with regret.

I can remember waiting for the surgeon was the hard part. Joshua and I had gotten to the hospital in the morning and they did a few lab tests and dressed me up in the most attractive of hospital attire. From there, we lounged around and played on our iPhones as we waited for the surgeons to be ready. My insane hunger overrode any anxiousness. Joshua read me jokes to keep the mood light. I did feel a little guilty as my eyes danced around the room and I realized I was the one non-cancer patient in the waiting room. Finally our idleness was greeted by the plastic surgeon. With a quick hug and a big kiss, I was walked to the operating room. There were so many people in there, I was thrown off. I carelessly hopped op on the table. I had expected to be given a countdown or something, but was caught off guard when I found myself slipping off to sleep.

During the surgery the surgeon removed the breast tissue and a few lymph nodes to make sure that there was no trace of cancer hiding about. All of the tissue and nodes were free from cancerous cells. I had opted for immediate reconstruction with the use of tissue expanders and Alloderm. When the breast surgeon had completed one breast, the plastic surgeon went in and placed an expander under the muscle and shaped the breast with the Alloderm. They placed drains in each of my armpits to allow the fluids to escape. The surgery lasted about six hours.

As I was trying to recall the very moment I recovered from my slumber, I couldn’t pin it. Joshua says it took me a very long time to wake up and even when I finally did muster the courage to open my eyes, I fell right back to sleep. The first thing that I can remember is being in pain. It wasn’t like giving birth, where there is a prize that sorta softens the blow, it was overwhelming. I couldn’t move and didn’t want to either! I felt like my chest was collapsing in on itself. Every breath was a struggle and I was tangled in cords and tubes. None of those support group posts could have prepared me for this feeling.

Rack Rant...

2009-09-01T10:21:00.000-07:00

I am so sick of the ignorant comments people make in passing. Oh at least you get fake ones, I wish I could get a boob job. It must be nice that your tits won't sag anymore. Maybe I need to get tested so insurance will pay for implants.

I am not going through with this surgery to get insurance to pay for a boob job! Maybe you got the wrong idea because I try to make light of the situation by using breast humor, but seriously, are nippleless, scarred masses on your chest sexy?! I have already been slapped with the realization that I will never again look sexy; time to retire the tiny bikinis and plunging necklines!

Maybe you just don't understand that I am getting my breasts REMOVED. I am not simply going in to get something implanted for enhancement, I am getting my breasts stripped off and replacing them with an alien object so that I will still will at least resemble a woman. It is merely a precautionary action because I don't have any desire to sign up to wage war against breast cancer. I will do everything within my power to avoid that devastating blow.

I have been open about discussing my decision to opt for the prophylactic bilateral mastectomies and if it were vanity, there is no way in hell I would rip them off and leave the battle scars. There are no Dolly or Pamela dreams here. Well, dreams maybe, but the reality of the situation is that I will have patchwork breasts. So, grab your saggy baggies, get over yourself, and stop running your mouth about things you know nothing about!

Exciting News!

2009-08-28T14:02:00.000-07:00

I have had a few days to settle down and let things process and am ready to share my exciting news with everyone.

I flew down to Swedish Cancer Institute in Seattle on Monday, August 24th. My appointments went better than I could have ever expected. I absolutely feel at ease with my decisions and more than that, I am excited. I am even more confident that I am making the best choices for me and my family. I did feel a slight guilty though with being at the Cancer Center with all of the sick people battling for their lives when I was carefree and lighthearted as I skipped to my appointments.

My first appointment was with Dr. Hanson, the surgeon that will be removing my breasts. Upon my arrival and waiting near an hour to be seen, I was discouraged thinking that this was doomed for disaster, but was quickly brought about. Dr. Hanson took his time, had print outs, and actually taught me the process instead of talking down at me or simply talking at me. He was quite like the weather on that autumn day in Seattle, warm with a dry sense of humor. He had told me that I was a perfect candidate for skin-sparring mastectomies. I was hoping for this good news. This means that basically, they will gut the insides and leave the skin. I will not be able to keep my nipple though. He explained and diagrammed the scar that will be a straight line about two inches long that will rest in the center where my nipple once played. After spending over an hour together, I left the building confident in his abilities.

I am blessed to have such an amazing support network that extends beyond my family. Sarah and Tiffany had ventured to the big city to entertain with stories and lunch before my next appointment. Those two girls are simply amazing. They are both so sweet and I am privileged to be able to call them friend.

Tiffany accompanied me to my next appointment. We were at first taken back by the bite of the receptionist. She was less than professional in her mannerisms. Because she antagonized us, it was easy to assess that she herself was in need of more than an attitude adjustment. She might use the employee discount and fix her dominating laugh lines and crows feet! Anyhow, we simply loved the doctor in her quirky, somewhat chaotic personality. She was very easy and likable with a beautiful smile and flat chest. We got to look through some sort of brag book with pictures of some of her past clients. I secretly was sizing these other boobs up to see how I could compare. I don't know if Tiffany had ever been to an appointment like that before, but I did what I am used to and sat there shirtless for quite a bit of time. After some lifting and shifting and a few quick squeezes, we decided that the best option for me would be to use tissue expanders then implants with Alloderm. The expanders will allow for better shape of the new boobs. Initially, I had just wanted to do a one step and bypass the expansion process, but after speaking with Dr. Chatal, I understand the importance of shaping. Alloderm is cadaver tissues that will be used to alleviate the need to stretch the muscle to cover the implant thus minimizing my discomfort. It makes not matter to me if some strange skin is inside me. I wonder who or what it came from though! It wasn't like I expected picking a size and shape or anything like that. She didn't want to overwhelm me with so many decision, so at this point, I haven't gotten more that just an overview of implants.

Overall, I am super excited and looking forward to what the breast future will hold for me... a handful or maybe a little more! Recovery shouldn't be too difficult. It will be just three days in the hospital and about two weeks in Seattle. At the initial surgery, Dr. Hanson will remove the nipple and breast tissues and Dr. Chatal will insert expanders. For the next six weeks, I will be seen by the plastic surgeon to actually do the expanding until we come to a size that we are both comfortable with. Then STEP TWO... I will be doing the exchange surgery. Simple as it sounds, exchanging the expander for the implant. As I have previously conveyed, I have little formal information on this topic, so I will pass it along as I get it. Now to research implants, oh the shapes and sizes...

Titillation!

2009-08-15T00:14:00.000-07:00

Finally, some good news! I had visited Banana Hands and much to my surprise, he was pleasant and I didn't have to show him my boobs to get what I wanted! I did, however, have to wait a whole agonizing hour until he sauntered into my dungeon. Within ten minutes I was out the door with a smile on my face... again, that doesn't happen much without having to give 'em a show! Anyhow, he sent in two referrals one for a breast surgeon and the other for a plastic surgeon. I will be seen at Swedish Cancer Center in Seattle, Washington. I was super happy to hear that I would be going to Swedish because TriCare had told me that I would only be allowed to be seen at Madigan Army Hospital. Not that I don't have confidence in military doctors, but I can rest easier knowing that seeing a team of doctors that specialize in this field and not feel a tingle in their pants when they talk about nipples.

I was sure it would take a few weeks for the referral to go through, but like a flash flood the phone rang and I was drowning in confusion. My doctor called to tell me I had two appointments for the 24th. I assumed this was the twenty fourth day of September, but was mistaking. You know what they say about assuming; I don't but I know it has something to do with an ass. Yeah, so I will be flying to Seattle for just the consultation and will have lots of news and information to share soon.

I am stoked, you know, we don't use that word too much anymore! I am completely sure I have made the right decisions for me. I am also happy that I was unable to do the surgeries in Arizona because I think that I am much better off in the hands of Swedish Medical Center. For those of you that don't know, my mother had spent several days there doing her stem cell transplant.

I know people think I am crazy because I talk about boobs all day long; even to complete strangers. I didn't really think of it until today because one of Joshua's friends was over for a few minutes while I was doing a fire inspection. That sounds like a weird reason, but here's how it works. While I am talking to this inspector, I am hyper aware of what Tyler is hearing, so I pay particular attention. Of course the conversation turns to boobs. You can get any, and I mean any guy to talk about their favorite topic. So I tell this guy my story and sing my little song. Meanwhile, I become aware that Tyler is there and it sorta makes me feel uncomfortable. Not because I am talking about breasts and nipples, but because I finally realize that this truly is an obsession and I can't not talk about them. I am just like a dude! Oh well. Maybe in some odd way it helps ease some of the anxieties I have and help me convince myself I am doing the right thing. Besides, guys are so much easier to talk to about boobs. It's already the number one thing on their mind, so it's easy to get them going... conversationally. Girls, however, are a different story. Most women tend to think I am crazy for getting rid of my perfect pair. Maybe the boys do too, but they just like having open dialog about tits.

I'll keep y'all posted with more titillating tales within the next few weeks.

Referrals...

2009-07-31T08:33:00.000-07:00

Alright, again, it has been a while since I have caught the most of you up on my stage of this never ending, no end in sight process. There is so much time between posts because there is so much time between appointments. It stinks.

I am guessing that there are two distinct reasons for this lack of speed. Most of the hold up probably is because of the silly insurance. I will throw it out there that I am grateful to have health insurance and that the surgeries and reconstruction will be fully covered, but I am frustrated with the freakin' maze I have to master before I actually obtain the prize. The other reason is that I keep having to change my PCM or Primary Care Physician because of lack of support. Oddly enough, it seems as though doctors aren't really about prevention and aren't embracing my ideology and kindly as I had hoped. I respect those women that chose to be hyper vigilant, but it's not for me. I am completely sound in my decision of wanting them replaced! So, if my PCM isn't fully supportive, they lag on getting me in to see a general surgeon; just another link in the chain.

Well, I am back in Alaska and have found a PCM that at least says what she thinks I want to hear. She put the referral through to the general surgeon at Bassett on Fort Wainwright. I have seen him before and frankly find it a complete waste of time, but he and his banana hands have to feel me up and send me out the door with yet another referral. This re feral will hopefully get me to a breast surgeon and plastic surgeon, but who really knows! I have called TriCare and am almost positive they will be sending me to Washington for the surgeries. I don't really know until my appointment on August 11th.

So, I am palming a sense of urgency in that within the last few weeks we have learned that my mother's sister, Debi, has been diagnosed with Ductal Carcinoma. Yeah, the same type of invasive breast cancer my mother had. Her cancer is growing rapidly just since the time of her primary MRI. From the research I have done, it is more common for hereditary cancers to be very aggressive. (All of those silly classes are coming backing into my head and I have a strange desire to cite something here, but will refrain for your reading pleasure.) She too has TriCare and wasn't able to start Chemo until her referral went through... had it not needed to take a week, she could have started that very day. Anyhow, because her cancer is snaking through her breast and possibly into the muscle, the doctors felt it would be in there best interest to have her get treatment immediately, but the lab tests from Myriad take about four to six weeks. So, I took the cape from my closet and flew to the rescue; not really, but the fax machine. The cancer is presenting itself as hereditary, so they are banking that she has the same mutation that I have. This pleases me knowing that in my own little way, I am helping shorten her chain of chaos. I will let you know when she gets her results though, very curious myself.

I am in the very same place I have been while concluding all previous posts. So, hopefully I won't see you here again, but chances are...

Boobopsy

2009-05-03T00:54:00.001-07:00

Again it is late beyond belief and I am torturing myself with visions of needles and my blood squirting across the room. It took so many phone calls that I have a blister on my earlobe, but I have finally got the MRI guided biopsy scheduled for Wednesday. Now the only trouble is that fear has crept in and left me blind. I am not at all worried or troubled about the possible outcome of the tests (or maybe I have just not let that terror twist its way in yet) but am deathly afraid of the procedure itself. Just thinking about it, nausea sets in and I literally shake in my boots, well flip flops! Normally, I diligently begin to educating myself by reading and searching for anything I can absorb about what I don't understand, but in this case, maybe I am better off hiding in the closet. For if I even catch a whisper or a footnote about needles or scalpels I may just get stuck in traffic Wednesday! I can't shake it; what am I supposed to do while they are digging in me?! How can you look away when the doctors are so close you can count the out of place eye brows and smell the cheap perfume that lingered from the hook up they had last night? I know I loathe this feeling of knowing someone is cutting on me because I have been there and revisited it twice before. I once had a mole on my back removed and it was pure torture. I was lying there imagining them slipping even just visualizing that initial slice was agonizing. Passed out cold! The most recent was the c~section with Kennady. I was doing everything I could to divert my attention and keep from vomiting. I do not like not having control over my body; that's why I don't drink. After one drink I get that fuzzy feeling that makes me want to close my eyes and shake my head. And I do just that, pretty embarrassing for Joshua!

I know the thought in your head, this warring fear is pretty peculiar when I am voluntarily and eagerly requesting my breasts to be removed, chopped right off. Of course I know that they will have to cut them off and scoop out the tissues, but maybe I am eased in knowing that I was in control of that decision. Or, I know that I will be asleep and it won't matter anyway! I don't have to worry about watching myself get cut like a large peperoni. Unless, I wake up half way through... oh great!

Ultrasound

2009-04-27T22:22:00.000-07:00

Whatta waste of time! I swear they must be dragging me along down some endless, winding gravel road. I had my ultrasound done and they saw nothing, but because ultrasound may be missing something, I get to go for ANOTHER MRI. Does this make sense? I am super confused. Whatever though... they are always going to want to feel me up or get something looked at. The radiologist explained that he has to take every little inconsistency seriously because of my BRCA status. He too almost fell over when I had told him I was getting them removed. It makes no sense to me that people find this so extreme. It also makes me kinda giddy too though! I have never been the dangerous or rebellious one; I now see how fun it can be to get those reactions. It doesn't affect my decision any. I am still confident I am doing what is right for me and my family.

The second MRI has yet to be scheduled and I am not all too excited about that task. I guess pending what this MRI shows, I will be getting a biopsy. No clue what to expect, I am hoping that the 12mm ovular mass that was seen the first time has randomly disappeared and they keep those long ass needles to themselves!

My original plan of having my new breasts before heading to Alaska has slowly drifted out of sight and has become a perfect if only. I am sorta bummed out, but have faith that things are happening this way for a reason. I will just keep trudging down this path of endless groping, waiting, and wondering.

MRI

2009-04-17T15:26:00.000-07:00

Well, I was a little nervous about getting my MRI done last week. Not because I was scared of what was to be found, just because I didn't know what to expect. For those of you whom have never had a breast MRI, it is quite a unique experience! The short of it is that you get naked, stick your boobs through what looks like some strange torture device (definately created by a man!) and lay as still as possible on your tummy while you go through a tube that is super noisy. It wasn't half as bad as I thought it would be, except staying still for 45 minutes did pose as a challenge. It's like when they tell you not to move, you naturally get an itch or have gas. Terrible!

Well, I should have known the results wouldn't be good when I left the imaging center and locked my keys in the car two hours away from home. In the mix of talking to insurance and the locksmith, Joshua happens to call. Seriously, does he have the best timing or what?!

Anyhow, the results from the MRI came back abnormal. Seems like all imaging of my breasts come back abnormal! Whatever though. I go in for more testing next week. Now that I know it is there, I swear I can feel it throughout the day! Not really though, it's just my mind. One of my friends understood and said that when she first got pregnant she swore she could feel the little grain of rice inside her. Same thing, oh the power of suggestion! I hadn't worried about it until everyone around me starts to worry. Worry is infectious. If no one said anything about it, I would have been just fine! I mean it looks benign, so what's the worry? It just seems like when I tell someone they automatically thing the worst; even my doctor! That's no good for my stress levels. Really this just solidifies and concretes my decision to have them removed. I hate waiting and being nervous about test results every few months; takes too much out of me. The more I go through, the less important the physical aesthetics become. I just want to be healthy and not have to battle this stress of wondering all the time.

What to do?

2009-01-16T09:58:00.000-08:00

Joshua, Joshua, Joshua...

Joshua had volunteered for a year deployment to enable me to complete the prophylactic surgeries and be healed by the time he arrived back home. This would allow me to have access to top notch doctors in Phoenix as opposed to struggling with doctors in Alaska. The other benefit that determined the long deployment was that in Alaska, we wouldn't have people to help out with watching our girls; being in Arizona, I have my brothers and extended family close. Also my mother, a breast cancer survivor, has already been through
similar surgeries and would be an amazing resource for me.

In the way the universe does, it turned on me. Nothing ever works the way I plan! Because of Kennady's milk allergy and her hatred of soy formula, I am still nursing. Because Joshua knows my surgeries will be pushed back, he uncharacteristically wants to be here for me and cut the deployment short (probably making everyone he works with mad!) Because we don't know when I will be done nursing Kennady, we will be heading back to Alaska when Joshua gets home. Because we will be in Alaska, I will have to start this mess all over again!

More than the trouble this causes, I have been internally conflicted. I had already comforted myself knowing that Joshua wasn't going to be here during this intimate time and I like it that way. I love him for wanting to support me, but part of me feels like it is a girly issue and it doesn't concern him. Besides, what kind of support would he be? He brought an X Box to the hospital while I was birthing his daughters! Also, I didn't want him to see me through all the yucky stuff and more importantly the emotional meltdown that will undoubtedly sneak up on me. There isn't any way that he could ever understand. I could always tell him that it would be like giving up his left nut, but really, where would that get me?! I guess this started the day that we found out I had the mutated gene. The clinic called him when they couldn't get ahold of me and invited him to attend the appointment. He also felt it necessary. I guess I just never thought it affected him the way it does. I am so concerned with the superficial. I am always worried about how he could ever be turned on by my patchwork tits. I guess I should really be grateful that he wants to be there and accept that he will love me despite of my fake boobs. I will just have to get over it, but still, a part of me wishes that I could just be 100% when he came back instead of having him see me through the stages of emotional trauma, pain, and breastlessness.

Procedures v. Tricare

2008-12-19T14:37:00.000-08:00

You would not believe what a chore it has become to decide which type of reconstruction is best for me! There are different types of mastectomies and different types of reconstruction. Not like Mr. Potato Head where you can take one off and snap a new one on.

Now that I can't do anything for a while, I guess I should take this time to make sure I am making the best decisions for me. The problem I am having is that I can't figure out how to determine which doctors do which procedures. I can bet that Tricare won't let me travel the world for consultations, so I need to use as many resources as I can without actually being in an office.

There are so many different choices, but what will Tricare cover? I mean, yeah, they cover which ever reconstruction I chose, but are there any doctors in the network that actually do what I decide? That would be my luck, I finally cement something in my mind and an then Tricare doesn't cover any doctors that do it!

I will continue to freely research without restrictions from insurance... hopefully, I won't be disappointed.

Foobie Fantasies!

2008-12-16T23:38:00.000-08:00

My foobies, or fake boobies, I want them to look good, no, I want them to look great. I probably have unrealistic expectations of what they will look like, but have been enjoying imagining the final product. Throughout the day I find myself checking out other women's racks. I have come to understand and maybe even appreciate a man's obsession with these fascinating body parts. Not only can they make an unattractive lady more attractive, they can bring a babe down a notch or two. In one of the millions of breast books I have been reading lately, I ran across a doctor that recommends looking at playboy to help decide implant shape and size. Wow, I would put money down on the fact he is a male, a typical one at that!

I just want to feel good about myself. I want to look good with clothes on and feel okay about myself without anything on! I still want to wear that daring shirt with the plunging neckline and be able to fill out pretty dresses. Most importantly, I still want to feel like a woman, without all of my womanly parts.

My breasts are probably the one body part that makes me feel sexy. I know just how to tuck and push them to get the responses I want! I wonder how much this will affect me in the intamacy department. Will my new ones still have that affect on me? What about my husband?

The Breast Situation

2008-12-04T21:03:00.000-08:00

Alright, so I went to my appointment, which was a total waste of time! I still have a weird mass, but she can't do anything right now. I did find out that I am probably not going to be able to have my surgeries when I want them. Apparently, it's not like Burger King, your way right away. I had told the doctor that I was planning on being done breast feeding Kennady by December. This, is not the case; she is still attached to the tit more often than not! We suspect a milk allergy, so nursing is the best option for her at this point. I can't even think about having the breast tissue removed until I am as dry as my Thanksgiving turkey, I mean a desert! The boob guru told me that it takes three to six months for your breasts to get back to normal. In the back of my mind I was cursing at her, "Back to normal my ass!" After kiddos your boobs deflate and go from OO to UU. I guess that's a perk of having the twins removed, literally!

Back to the boobs, I am so disappointed. I guess it is all for the breast though. I am still planning on meeting with the plastic surgeon just to see what some of the options are. I am leaning towards some porno boobs, if possible! Heck, if they are going to be fake, I might as well. Go big or go home, right? Naw, seriously though, I guess this gives me time to really think about what I want. It will probably have to happen after I get back to Alaska. This poses so many other problems, but ya gotta play the hand yer dealt. I need to consider what type of mastectomies and what type of reconstruction. I have come across a few support groups online for those lucky carriers of the BRCA gene. I think I have already been blocked because I keep asking for people to send me pictures! They must think I am a pervert.

Because I have the desire to see pictures of reconstructed breasts, I was thinking, maybe in addition to my boob blog, I should start a picture journal of my journey through this process that I can share with other women. I would need a super creative title, any ideas?

Boob Blogging...

2008-11-30T23:02:00.000-08:00

Bloggings is for losers that have absolutely no life. Well, I guess I qualify!

It is terribly late at night and I am being harrassed by the thoughts in my head. It is this one thing that I can't seem to shake. About a year ago, I found out that I have a genetic mutation that is known to cause breast cancer. My specific mutation is BRCA 1 with a Q1200X deleterious mutation. What the hell?! All I know is that my chances of having breast cancer just went from dancing in puddles to drowning in the waves. I sorta always knew it was coming though. My mother battled breast cancer when she was far too young. I am not upset or about having this mutation, more just bothered by how much I love my boobs! I never really took the time to appreciate them, maybe give them a good squeeze every now and then. Sheesh, they have always been so good to me. I am going to do a little bragging, this is a blog about my boobs afterall! I have great breasts. They are big, but more importantly are firm and round. It's all about the roundness, you know, two perfect half grapefruits resting on my chest decorated with the cutest pink, perky nipples. No pancakes here! They always look great in tight shirtsand give me perfect cleavage, enough to make anyone wonder, "What's going on under that shirt?"

Alright, here's the thought that is keeping me up at the most retarded hours, how large of a role do my breasts play in my life?